Bring dem bois to da yard

Viewer Discretion Advised

A couple of weeks ago, Natalie and I plus Sweet Baby Chin Fong went on a journey to a land far away... Soho. We were on a quest to get the best milkshakes in the land. Black Tap specialises in creating works of art out of ice cream for anyone that has $15 to spend on ice cream (basically my whole savings account).

We waited on line for about an hour and half before we were seated. Once inside, it became clear that  this place was a literal scam. There were so many open tables and the fact that I had to wait outside in the hot sun pissed me off. It's as if they have no concern for customers with a sweating condition!

 

I was expecting there to be a variety of options of milkshake creations (since I stalked their insta in the days leading up to our visit), however there were only four. FOUR OPTIONS. I travelled to Soho, waited on line for over an hour and like a cherry to top it all off, I was promised a variety of heavenly sweet treats to only be given less options than I can count on a hand. Goodbye sir, just goodbye.

                   

Pretty in Pink

Last week, Natalie and I packed a picnic basket, put on pink outfits, and hopped on the ferry to Governor's Island. The pinknic is a giant picnic and music festival that celebrates rosé. The day consisted of drinking, boy-watching, tanning and instagramming, which just so happens to be a combination of a few of my favorite things.

Hour 1: Natalie is drunk

Within minutes of arriving at the event, Natalie was two glasses deep and feeling it. I think it was a combination of the rosé and sun, but regardless, this was the first time I have seen her like this since the time she made out with a cardboard cut-out of Nicholas Cage at a senior night.

                    

Natalie and Stephen's Summer Bucket List

 

I met Natalie Salerno for the first time, when I applied to be a part of the Campus Activities Executive Board at the end of my freshman year. Thank God she picked me to be a part of her board because since then a friendship has formed. Natalie and I could not be more opposite, I mean she is level headed, witty, fashionable and above all  rocks a red lip like nobody else I know (then again my lips looked great when I was Ariel for halloween, so I win that one). She has been a constant supporter of me over the years and has truly been one of my greatest role models.

It is because of Natalie that I have now mastered the art of fake laughter for photos, perused a cookbook thrift store in the village and ultimately grown as an individual. Whether she is feeding me with her latest baked good or throwing her famous tagline, "take a lap" at me, I am always having the time of my life when I am with her.

I was inspired to start this blog because of Natalie's wildly successful blog Whale & Wishbone and it's because of her guidance that I have even made it this far. Since I was away for the past five months, we had a lot of time to discuss our plans for the summer and we are looking forward to making some great memories together. Like Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson minus the old and dying part, Natalie and I are embarking on our own bucket list of adventures. Here's the plan:

Abs not required

In Swaziland, after a long day of white water rafting, our guides brought us into the cliffs to go abseiling. I was still in shock that I made it through the rapids without falling into the river, which gave me a false sense confidence going into this next adrenalin filled activity. I watched a few people go first, which led to an increased internal amount of fear as well as an external leg shake.

I am a pessimist. I always have been and if I am being honest, I most likely always will be. The moment that I stepped up on the rock and was harnessed in, I thought of all the possible things that could go wrong. The first possibility was that I could lose my footing and slam my face into the rock, ultimately chipping all of my teeth. After suffering through five years of braces, I can't help but panic when it comes to my teeth. Another possibility was that when I sat back into the harness it would snap and I would fall into the raging river beneath. I was basically as skilled as Michael Phelps when I swam butterfly for the Floral Park Pirate's swim team back in the day, but it has been so long that I honestly don't think I would be able to fight the current.

Despite the physical ailments I could endure, I feel that the worst part if something were to happen would be that I decided to dress up as a life size blueberry for the day. I could just imagine the news headline, "Sully from Monster's Inc. doppelgänger gets Squished in Abseiling Accident. "

Here is a recollection of the thoughts racing around my mind throughout the descent down the cliff:

*looks down at right hand holding rope* "Wow, ok. I have to hold all my weight in my right hand. I have never trusted myself less than in this moment. 

                     

"This guy better stop giving me a thumbs up. Do you honestly think that I feel better because of it? I got a finger for you too and if I didn't have to hold this rope you would understand how I feel."

   

"I can only imagine what I look like to everyone on top of the cliff right now. I feel like I am serving legs for days with a face of slight constipation. "

                            

"Someone better grab my blueberry cake before my arms give out."

    

Luckily, I made it to the bottom of the cliff where I was then required to side step my way to safety. The final ledge was about half a foot and the guides referred to the part of the cliff as the Jesus Wall. At this point, there was no cord hooking me to 'Jesus', only the sweaty grip of my hands. I have never had as much faith in my life as I did in that moment. 

Sincerely, 

Stephen

           

The ABC's of Wine Tasting

A wise business woman once said, "Get the Pinot ready. It's Turtle Time." Ramona Singer, like myself, has one love in life besides men, and that is wine. Turtle Time is a phrase coined by Ramona during season three of the RHONY and she has defined it as, "cutting loose, having some Pinot and even dancing." In South Africa, a bottle of wine can cost as little as R32 (which is equivalent to about 2 USD at the current exchange rate) and due to this, it is always Turtle Time here! 

                                  

Do you ever feel overwhelmed when you go to a somewhat classy restaurant and get handed a wine list of over 100 different types? I find it comical that anyone would expect me to be able to pick a good wine to drink when I am a 21 year old college student who, as of last semester, considered Chateau Diana wine product from Beer Cave a solid choice to pair with my buffalo chicken wraps from the Grille.

After visiting a winery in Cape Town, I have a new appreciation for the work that goes into making wine and my palate has now expanded to include wines other than boxed Sunset Blush. In the following demonstration, we were trying a chardonnay made at the Anura Winery. Our wine tasting guide explained that many people are a part of the ABC club (Anything but Chardonnay), but he was confident that after we tasted it we would fall in love with this unappreciated wine. The next time you have to choose a wine at the dinner table, just remember these steps and you will look like a wine connoisseur.

Step 1: Take your glass and twirl the wine in a clockwise fashion. Be sure to admire the color of the wine and use terms such as "light, medium, or full-bodied" to describe it.

Step 2: Next, dip your nose into the glass like my model CG is demonstrating. Make sure to fill your nostrils with the various different scents of the wine. There could be a range of aromas from citrus, to a hint of mint or vanilla.

Step 3: It's time to tilt your head back and enjoy the wine! Each wine tastes different from one another due to various factors such as the grapes used to make it, and whether it was kept in an oak or steal barrel. There are thousands of different types of grapes so the possibilities for new types of wine are endless. 

Step 4: Spit. Spit the wine out. *This step is optional and I totally recommend ignoring it*

I hope this helps you impress your next dinner date with someone you met on J swipe, Farmersonly.com, or Grindr. Cheers to being a little more classy and grown up!

Sincerely,
Stephen

*Note: No one was completely tipsy in the making of this blog post*

Rolling down the river

*concerned*

Over break, we travelled to Swaziland and spent a week on a beautiful nature reserve. While we were there we decided to all sign up and go white water rafting down the Great Usuthu River. This river runs through South Africa, Mozambique and Swaziland. The name Suthu refers to the Basotho people who settled near the source of the river until they were attacked and forced to move by the Swazis.

After an hour drive into the mountains we finally reached the access point to the river. I buckled my life jacket, adjusted my helmet and secured my bathing suit because the last thing I needed was to moon everyone while the sun was still out. I joined the semi-circle around the boats and began to mentally prepare myself for the journey ahead. 

Our guides explained how to maneuver our boats and what to do if we ever fell out. It felt like driver's ed all over again minus the 20 minute stop at Dunkin Donuts with Mr. Marcus our instructor. The guide warned us to remain towards the center of the river and to always continue to paddle because hippos, alligators and snakes were all potential threats. Al and I were sharing a boat together and lets just say that we were not too confident in our abilities. I mean my friend Jocelyn always calls me a NARP (Non-athletic regular person; this explanation is for you mom) and as much as I don't want to agree with her, it is true, except on the volleyball court.

The calm before the storm

We all dragged our boats into the river and began to paddle in a straight line like ducks in a row. As we approached the first rapid, it was just a taste of what we would end up facing in the final stretch of our journey. Most of us were able to make it through the first rapid, but it only got harder as we travelled further down the river.

                           

                            

There should have been a warning that this was going to be one of the most intense workouts I have ever done. I felt like I was on the biggest loser and our guide was Jillian Michaels. He just kept yelling at Al and I for going the wrong way, but it's not our fault that the river was just taking us. My biggest fear was falling out and not be able to get myself back in the boat.

Some tips for when you fall into the river are as followed:

1. Keep your feet up and in front of you to avoid hitting your head on a rock.

2. Attempt to hold on to your paddle/ retrieve it.

3. Put your paddle in the boat and push yourself down into water to propel upwards.

           

4. Once you do that, make sure to reach across to push the other side of boat down.
(Warning: Boat could flip if you do not do this)

5. Balance your weight in boat to help your partner get in.

After we were all secure in our boats, it was time to continue rolling down the river! The next rapid was a man-made one created by the dam that broke up the river. Here are some candid moments from our second rapid: 

Al and I made it through the whole river without falling out, while 10 out of the 13 boats flipped in the last rapid. I am basically a certified rafter now and might as well pursue it as a career since I have no other plans in place for after graduation next year. Here are some action shots of our final showdown with the rapids: 

Check back later in the week to hear about some of my other adventures!

Sincerely,

Stephen

Rockin' the Cradle

A few weekends ago, we visited the Cradle of Humankind, which is where the oldest known skeleton was found. When we arrived we were asked to put on a stylish lunch lady hair net and then a blue helmet. Blue is definitely my color, but this helmet was not the best accessory for my head shape or anyone else's for that matter. As a result, I thought it was the perfect opportunity to photograph my friends especially for  future blackmail.

As we approached the caves, the tour guide attempted to wrangle the 23 of us up and give us an impromptu history lesson on the side of the entrance to the cave. Unfortunately for him, a group of 21 year olds have short attention spans especially when there is a mysterious cave five feet away.

We descended down into the caves in a single file line, hands straight out to avoid the jagged edges in the dimly lit space. As we travelled deeper into the cave, I began to reflect on my life and how in the end we ultimately will be just a fossil. A million questions began to fill my head such as,"How will I be remembered?," or ,"Where am I going to end up?"As a result, I decided to ask my friends some personal questions and this is what they had to say:

C.G.

How would you like to spend the after life? Where would you like your remains to be? 

"I want my ashes to be spread over the Wawa parking lot in Wayne, PA. "

When your old and senile what is the one thing you will remember from this trip?

"Trying the local cuisine at the McDonald's by our University."

What would you caption this photo?

"Just your friendly neighborhood lunch lady"

Which item that you frequently carry with you would you be embarrassed for someone to find on your fossilized body?

 "A spoon that I swiped from our B&B in my backpack."

Elizabeth Fonger a.k.a. Lil' Lizard

When your old and senile what is the one thing you will remember from this trip?

"The men and wine"

Which item that you frequently carry with you would you be embarrassed for someone to find on your fossilized body? 

"Tourist must-have: One shoulder pratical Patagonia backpack."

What would you caption this photo?

"The bossy beaver"

Madame Wetzler

How would you like to spend the after life? Where would you like your remains to be? 

"I want to be buried wherever they bury the presidents."

Which item that you frequently carry with you would you be embarrassed for someone to find on your fossilized body? 

"My King Gelato membership card that has nine out of ten stamps."

What would you caption this photo?

"I woke up like this #flawless"

BGR: Board Game Robbie

How do you want to be remembered?

"Really good-looking, great personality, forever modest."

When your old and senile what is the one thing you will remember from this trip?

"I will remember the B&B dog Salvador and maybe some of the people here."

What would you caption this photo?

"Tsholo made me drink last night."

Emily: The older Oliver twin

If the caves collapsed, who would you save?

"We are all going down, Ubuntu!"

*Ubuntu: I am because of who we all are*

Which item that you frequently carry with you would you be embarrassed for someone to find on your fossilized body? 

"My lemon lime and strawberry lemonade electrolyte tablets. Ever since I was dehydrated in Greece my mom has made me bring them everywhere. She just came to visit and put three packs in an easter basket for me!"

What would you caption this photo?

"Stephen, put the camera down"

I hope that you enjoyed reading about our time rockin' the cradle and that this inspires you to go out and live every day to the fullest. I am looking forward to making many more memories and can't wait to share all of them with you!

                                                               

Sincerely,
Stephen